26 November 2004
When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.
There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.
Kids are like monkeys, only louder.
If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.
There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.
You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me—it'll save you a lot of hassle.
You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.
I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.
You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.
There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.
The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry—I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.
There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them—starting with 8. I've always hated 8.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard “My God! He's covered in some sort of goo,” I'd be a rich man.
Be generous in the bedroom—share your sandwich.
I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.
Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.
I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.
Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.
Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.
Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.
I never ate an animal I didn't like.
A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.
I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.
Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.
Always trust your first instinct—unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.
When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.
If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.
I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.
Never throw a butcher knife in anger.
The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.
My favorite color is chocolate.
Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.
The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.
If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?
I'm not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger.
Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.
When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.
I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.
When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.
What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?
"There are several reasons you should probably be using del.icio.us. If you use computers in multiple locations, say one at home and one at work, delicious can synchronize your bookmarks. This becomes even more useful if you’re using Firefox 1.0 for reasons I’ll address in a minute. Secondly, it’s a great way to keep track of things on the web. Built in bookmarks in your browser are cool, but if you’re like me they pile up and become hard to find and manage. Delicious solves this problem by using flat hierarchy, which I’ve talked about before. Suffice it to say that I’ve started wishing everything on my computer used a flat hierarchy like gmail and delicious, and I wonder why it doesn’t."
24 November 2004
23 November 2004
22 November 2004
TP: Soll die Türkei in die EU?: "Soll die T�rkei in die EU? Diese Frage hat viele Aspekte. Ich konzentriere mich auf einen einzigen; auf den, der (mir) der wichtigste ist; es ist zugleich der, zu dem man in der ganzen Beitrittsdebatte bislang so gut wie nichts findet. Meine Frage: Welche Bedeutung hätte ein Türkei-Beitritt für das, was seit Beginn unserer europäischen Einigungsbemühungen kurz nach dem Zweiten Weltkrieg als das Herzstück der europäischen Integration gilt, nämlich das Postulat: In und mit Europa: Nie wieder Krieg?"
18 November 2004
Da geht so einiges -- Wo bleibt eigentlich Microsoft, was Innovationen angeht? ;)
10 November 2004
Falls man sowas mal braucht...
05 November 2004
Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life!” There IS some good news from Tuesday's election.
Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:
1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.
2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.
4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.
6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.
8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.
9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.
10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.
11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!
12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.
13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.
14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.
15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.
16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!
17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.
Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"
But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.